PROVEN PERSPECTIVES ON THE PERILS OF PARENTING

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The primary role of a parent is to prepare their children to be self sufficient. This requires that parents learn to be decent role models, illustrating the strength of unity while simultaneously teaching and training their children how to survive on their own. Many times the birth of a child can be the spark that lights the fire in the lives of parents needing focus in life. We expect our children to transition from being dependent to independent while nurturing interdependent family values. This is the ideal case. And even this exemplary scenario does not paint a perfect picture. Ultimately parents must allow their children to choose and walk their own paths and make or mess up their own lives. In psychology, "Diana Baumrind's" theory of parenting cites three methods which actually depict four parenting styles. She cited the authoritarin way as too hard, the permissive way as too soft, and the authoritative way as just right. This sounds similar to "Goldilock and the three bears." This should also include the uninvolved way that might be deemed as negligent. As usual, we will be approaching this from a spiritual perspective while we examine these four styles. Although there is no perfect parenting manual, there are perfect perspectives regarding the perils of parenting.

PARENTS ARE NOT PERFECT BUT THEIR PERSPECTIVES MUST BE PERFECTED.

The hardest thing to achieve in parenting is becoming a perfect parent, raising perfect children or both. Historically, there have been no perfect parents and even fewer perfect children. However, there is a real expectation that each generation should do better then the previous one. Therefore society creates new standards. As a result, the higher the standard, the harder it becomes to measure up to it. Under this type of system some level of failure is imminent. Every parent will fall short in some way or another and that makes all parents GUILTY of defeat by default! This is one of the factors that creates and causes the perils of parenting. Before guilt comes responsibility. When the "spirit of responsibility" is perverted by guilt it allows the "spirit of shame" to influence our actions. GUILT works against guidance! Many parents are under the false assumption that they are responsible to maintain the same parental obligations to their adult children as they did to their adolescent's. Although in most cases the reverse is true, the "Spirit of GUILT" can manipulate both maternal and paternal bonds to influence parents to undermine their own filial inheritance. Nature itself teaches us that growth and progress is measured by self sufficiency and independence. When a parent adopts or embraces any policy or practice in direct opposition to natural or spiritual laws there will be unintended consequences. GUILT is an emotionally selfish spirit that places personal feelings in front of correct considerations. The "spirit of GUILT" works on and through all parties involved. GUILT has a way of convincing innocent parties to "feel" culpable for things out of their control. Keep in mind that we are focusing primarily from a spiritual perspective. Although there are logical, philosophical, psychological and ethical view points to consider. The primary spiritual concern to address are the "spirits (behaviors) of guilt and compromise" that can contort and pervert the "love (discipline) of responsibility.  The activity of these spirits can alter the development of traditional parent-child relationships. A compromise always involves concessions that weaken some area of firm footing. All spiritual compromises constitutes lowering standards. The obligation of Responsibility implies ownership without absolute control. We can not be responsible for things beyond our control, but we are totally responsible for any and all compromise. Consider the results of any story of compromise from a biblical perspective. Adam's compromise over a bite of fruit cost us our innocence. Abraham compromised his morality and faith in God by having sex with Sarah's bond-maid that provided his firstborn "Ishmael" before the child of promise "Issac." Even Moses was compromised by his uncontrolled anger and was not allowed to enter "Canaan," the promised land. Judas compromised his allegiance for thirty pieces of silver and it cost both he and Jesus their lives. Fortunately, Jesus never compromised and as planned, took his convictions all the way to death on a cross. There are no concessions, compromises or considerations that come without consequences. What most parents fail to realize is that in reality there is a third parent at work raising their children with them. This parent is "LIFE." Good "birth parents" always introduce and constantly remind their children that the "Life" parent has the final say. The "life" parent will always allow children to learn the true lessons of life as long as the birth parents don't cloud or interfere with its teachings.  Although most parents devote much of their energy towards putting their best effort forward, the majority of all required growth energy must come through the will of the child. Regardless of how slight or severe parents fail in any area of rearing their children, it is the responsibility of the child to continue to mature and grow into adulthood. Isn't it the obligation of the parents to hold their children responsible for what they have taught them in life? Understand this. If the birth "parents" do not insist on their children's accountability the "life" parent certainly will. One of the pitfalls birth parents often fall into is forcing their vision and expectations upon their child. As difficult as it is to accept the flaws we discover in our children those flaws "belong to" the offspring. Parents may point them out but the child must wage the personal battle to defeat, destroy and replace those behaviors. Parents tend to criticize bad habits even in their adult children because they feel it ultimately points back to them. Parenting, like our modern day computer communications should be scrutinized by a best effort dispatch criteria rather then a guaranteed delivery approach.

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FAMILY VALUES ARE THE SUBSTANCE OF WHAT MAKES A FAMILY UNIT A FAMILY.

In addition to the four styles of parenting, more then anything, parenting involves a partnership that embraces an ever evolving management strategy built around maintaining the family unit. One of life's greatest and most rewarding experiences comes through creating and building this unit. Most parents are willing to use all of their resources to protect such an investment. This is why some parents feel it is their duty to "stand by" or take sides with their children regardless of the wrong they do. However parents are not obligated to "stand for" their children when they are in the wrong. Parents may feel obliged to faithfully "stand with or by" maybe even "own" their children in almost any circumstance; but a parent's first obligation is to the integrity of the family unit. Parents "stand for" and teach truth when they "stand against" wrong in any form anywhere. Even the wrongs of children can be mitigated on their behalf by parents willing to "stand for" right." Parents will always be parents, but the roles in parenting must evolve and eventually be passed on to their heirs. Parenting older and/or grown children involves parenting "from the rear." This is typically the most difficult transition a parent has to make in the rearing of their children. Initially, parents start out coddling, nurturing and protecting their offspring. This parenting "from the front" is the natural and normal order of development across most species. These instincts are generally quite strong and usually diminish as the child matures expressing more and more of their own will. Parenting "from alongside" is the ideal evolution in parenting. It functions like the relationship between a leader and their trusted adviser. This may become the perfect relationship between parent and child, but the expectations along with the emotional aspects of parenting impact how this relationships evolves. Children do not come with a manual or users guide which puts parents at a disadvantage. Traditional methods of governing and raising children, whether experienced or learned may turn out to be inadequate. There are multiple acronyms parents can use. Like C.H.I.L.D. This could mean control, help, instruct, love and discipline. It could also mean correction has its limits, try discipline! Multiple words can be used to describe various approaches to raising children but here's a simple formula To remember (S=TIME). The "S" stands for success and "T.I.M.E." stands for talent, instruction, maturity and example. This formula is quite simple and can be applied to any and every child rearing situation. To successfully raise children these four factors must be present. Two factors are contingent on the child and two factors on the parents. The child must exercise their talent(s) and mature while the parents must provide instruction and lead by example. This should continue to take place over time. Although these building blocks are the same for any and every child rearing situation, this does not mean that the situations look the same, feel the same or play out the same way. Each parent/child relationship differs but the formula remains applicable. It takes both sides of the relationship to create the success. Everyone plays  a role in the outcome. Parents who believe that it's their fault for all failures get caught in a "guilt trap." This can bring the experience of prolonged suffering to the entire family unit. Whenever a parent's expression of love for their children extends beyond doing what is in the best interest of the family unit it is self serving. The act of love and the emotions of feelings become intertwined and create confusion in how to respond. True love knows how to say "no" and acts in accordance with parenting's primary role. Counterproductive parenting is characterized by permitting children to fail to reach the capability to support themselves and the maturity to become parents. The capacity to live as independently as possible is mandatory for all offspring, even those that are physically or mentally handicapped. Many parents unaware of how parental bonds are exploited through selfishness blindly continue travelling down the road of nurturing that develops into emotional incest. They may never perceive that the spirits of fear, guilt and shame are manipulating duty and destiny to the demise of the children they so intensely care about. Many parents believe their compassion requires them to interfere with "life's" lessons due to how much they care. This irrational behavior has a logic of its own that defies the ability to see or enforce any alternative action that would ultimately be in the best interest of the family unit. When the parent-child relationship line is blurred parents blindly resort to treating their fully grown offspring more like pets then children. ​

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BEING A PARENT IS NOT EASY - BUT THE END PRODUCT IS PROMISING.

Remember proper parenting is divided and shared among the three (3) principle parties involved. The roles of the father, mother and "life" are essential in raising children properly. Parents are partners in producing, providing for, preparing, protecting and punishing (disciplining) their proteges. We are the guardians of the world! When any one parents pervasive or permissive posture undermines any of the other two parents role, the three way "partnership" becomes a private precarious plot. The prosperity of the child is poisoned through such partiality or preference that results from braking the bond of "partnership" that produced them. Yes, there is an invisible (spiritual) bond between parents that permits or prevents behaviors. Conversely if one parent imposes their will without the consent of "the partnership" the balance is corrupted and other bonds can form between the child and the remaining parents that are based upon division. Lets make it plain. Parents who take sides with their children in deference to forming a united front divide and diminish their own authority by mistakenly indulging the error of (spiritual) disunity. Any one of the three parents can subvert the harmony of the group by destroying the balance each individual brings. This is why it is important that we apply the laws of society evenly and equitably. The "life" parent must also behave impartially towards all of its children! By carefully examining the four basic styles of parenting we can be better role models and parents. EVERYONE participates in parenting. Whether we play the role as a father, mother or "life" it is important to realize how each parent plays their role. There is a (spiritual) harmony to ALL of life. Parenting is the glue that connects one generation to another. The future is forged by our past, and the present is the only time we have to work in. Everyone has a stake in parenting whether we have children or not. Consider the old African proverb,"It takes a village to raise a child." Not regarding the input of people without children is short sighted. After all every human being started out as a child and we all came from our parents. This is a call for all to participate.

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A CALL FOR ALL

This is a call for all
to participate.
This is a call for all
and it cannot wait.

This is the invitation
just to take a part.
This is the invitation
listen to your heart.

This is a desperate plea
to the human race.
It's all about us and we
​that we have to face.

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